Embracing the Role of a Stepparent: Finding Your Place in a New Family
Have you ever felt like an outsider in your own home? Being a stepparent in a blended family can bring unique challenges, and sometimes it feels like no matter what you do, you're always on the outside looking in. In this episode of Blended by Design, Daun and Travis Hall explore what it really means to feel like an outsider as a stepparent and share practical strategies to build real connections within your blended family.
Through candid personal stories, they discuss the struggles of navigating blended family dynamics, from the sting of being left out of inside jokes to the challenges of blending parenting styles and creating new family traditions. Whether you’re a new stepparent or you've been blending for years, this episode offers hope, real-life advice, and actionable steps to help you move from isolation to integration in your blended family.
In This Episode, You’ll Learn:
- Why Feeling Like an Outsider in a Blended Family Is More Common Than You Think: Understand the common struggles of stepparents and why these feelings often arise.
- Signs of Isolation in Blended Families and How to Address Them: Discover practical strategies to build connection with your stepchildren and partner.
- How to Navigate Blended Family Dynamics: Tips on balancing different parenting styles and creating a harmonious home.
- Building Authentic Connections: How to stay true to yourself while fostering relationships with your stepchildren.
- Creating New Family Traditions: Ideas for bridging the gap between “them” and “us” and making everyone feel included.
Real Life Stories:
- Daun's Experience as a Stepparent: Feeling out of place in a home with established dynamics and finding her way through authenticity and patience.
- Travis's Perspective: How moving into Daun’s home triggered feelings of being an outsider and how he navigated those emotions.
- Awkward and Honest Moments: From learning new household routines to finding common ground with stepchildren, the Halls share relatable stories of blending families.
Key Takeaways:
- Build Connection Slowly: Small, consistent steps are more effective than forcing big changes.
- Acknowledge Your Feelings: It’s okay to feel left out—what matters is how you respond.
- Create Opportunities for Inclusion: Whether it’s through shared activities or new traditions, find ways to bridge the gap between “them” and “us.”
- Stay Authentic: Building real connection as a stepparent means being true to yourself, even when things get tough.
Links and Resources Mentioned:
- Blended Family Resource Guide: Download our free guide for more practical tips on building stronger connections in your blended family.
- Join the Conversation: Share your story and connect with other stepparents in our “Blended by Design” Facebook Group.
If you enjoyed this episode, please take a moment to rate and review the podcast. Your feedback helps us reach more blended families who need support and encouragement. And don't forget to subscribe so you never miss an episode!
Transcript
Oh, so today we're talking about feeling like an outsider in your own family.
Speaker B:Outsider, own family?
Speaker B:What do you mean?
Speaker B:I don't know anything about that.
Speaker A:Sometimes I want to be the outsider in my family.
Speaker A:Sometimes, like I said, this is for the days that you want to build real connection.
Speaker A:Some days you don't.
Speaker B:Yeah, yeah.
Speaker B:But this problem, like ever walking into a room like you don't belong.
Speaker B:I mean, I felt that way a couple of times.
Speaker B:We were talking about this kind of stuff a little bit earlier today.
Speaker B:We were guys trying to keep me at arm's length because I'm quote unquote, forcing her out of the house.
Speaker A:According to her perspective and sometimes according to my mother, mother bear perspective also.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:Like, you know, so, yeah, it definitely feels like that sometimes.
Speaker A:I think in the beginning of the relationship, it felt different.
Speaker A:When we were first blending the family together, the feeling of feeling like an outsider is different than it does now.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:At that time, it was definitely for me, recognizable.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:So you're, you're there, you are starting to do the blended family thing.
Speaker A:You're making dinner, you know, because one of the ways that I like to show people that I care about them is cooking, right?
Speaker B:Oh, yeah.
Speaker A:So I love to cook.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:I love to cook.
Speaker A:And so I.
Speaker A:A big deal for me is making a family meal or, you know, cooking for family.
Speaker A:And, you know, I don't expect all of my self worth to come from making the dinner.
Speaker A:Only half.
Speaker A:No, I'm just kidding.
Speaker A:You know, I do like to be appreciated for the efforts that I put in.
Speaker A:But I remember at the beginning just trying to create some sort of semblance of us.
Speaker A:You know, I'd come down to your house and Zach and Winnie would be there and I would make dinner and you were working at the time and then you'd get off and I'd be there right after the kids got there and I'd kind of get dinner ready and stuff like that.
Speaker A:And.
Speaker A:And yeah, there was definitely times where I was like, okay, this is just weird.
Speaker A:This is just weird.
Speaker A:Like I'm in this other person's house where his ex wife and these kids, his mom used to live, and I'm, you know, taking over the kitchen and making the meal and cleaning up the kitchen and all the stuff.
Speaker A:I mean, whether that's here nor there or whether, I mean, we could go on a whole nother tangent about whether or not that's something that women do because of society or not, but that, I mean, that could be a long rabbit trail.
Speaker A:But I Remember the feeling of being like, I just don't really belong here, you know, and the feeling that I kind of wanted it to be like, well, me and you, I have this relationship with Travis, and we have this relationship on the side, and then have my relationship with my kids, and he has his relationship with his kids, and can't we just keep it that way?
Speaker A:Right, right.
Speaker A:And tried to do that for a while, I think.
Speaker B:Well, if.
Speaker B:If we're.
Speaker B:If we're dating, then, yeah, we can kind of do that.
Speaker B:But once we get married, that doesn't work too well.
Speaker A:No.
Speaker A:Although we even had a thought about trying to do that.
Speaker A:Like, we were like.
Speaker A:I remember.
Speaker A:I.
Speaker A:I at least remember thinking, okay, well, why even.
Speaker A:Why even have a one house?
Speaker A:We'll just keep two houses.
Speaker A:I'll have my family over there, and you'll have that.
Speaker A:Your family over there, you know, because we had two whole working households.
Speaker A:And I'll come to your house and visit sometimes, and you come to my house and visit sometimes, and then when the kids are at their alternative parents house, then we'll, you know, do our thing.
Speaker A:And it was like, yeah, wouldn't that be just great if that.
Speaker A:If that was just feasible, but life gets in the way.
Speaker A:I mean, wouldn't that be wonderful?
Speaker B:Yeah, that'd be.
Speaker B:That'd be great.
Speaker B:So.
Speaker B:But, yeah, I.
Speaker B:I understand.
Speaker B:Where I come from, I mean, there's been times where I felt like an outsider, because I'm the one.
Speaker B:I.
Speaker B:Not, you know, putting anything on you or anything, because this is.
Speaker B:Was a mutual decision on things.
Speaker B:But I sold my house, and I moved into your house up here, and your whole family is, like, very close by, and then you've got your kids, and the kids.
Speaker B:Dad is close, and.
Speaker B:And my family is scattered all over the country, so other than my kids, that's.
Speaker B:That's all I had here.
Speaker B:So coming in and learning how you run your household, and I was like, okay.
Speaker B:Yep.
Speaker B:So.
Speaker B:And honestly, it wasn't too bad because I had.
Speaker B:I grew up as blended family and everything like that, so I had that kind of going for me.
Speaker B:I kind of understood a little bit on what to expect.
Speaker B:And then I had already experienced one blended family before with my kids, but I'd never been a stepdad myself, and that was a new experience, I think.
Speaker A:You know, it's kind of like how you.
Speaker A:You get into the relationship and you walk into the room and you're, you know, you're there and you're laughing, especially when Shayla was around, you know, so Shayla when Shayla was in the house and Shayla was there being the adult child, right.
Speaker A:Still, you know, back and forth at home.
Speaker A:And then it would be you and Shayla talking about, you know, when Shayla and Jade were young, right.
Speaker A:Then on top of that, then, now they're talking about, you know, Shayla sharing with Winnie and Zachary about the time that Winnie and Zachary were young and Shayla was there.
Speaker A:And I'm like, well, I'm like, double removed from this whole situation, right?
Speaker A:And Shayla's sharing about her mom, and, you know, and Winnie doesn't know her mom.
Speaker A:It's just a fricking mess, really, if you think about it, right.
Speaker A:Because you're walking into this situation and all these people around you that you're learning to care about or you want to be involved with already have these bonds with other people.
Speaker A:They have a whole life that they lived before you.
Speaker A:And you can show up there.
Speaker A:Like, you can't show up in the past.
Speaker A:Like, you can rewind it and be like, oh, yeah, let me insert myself there.
Speaker A:So you've been telling a story.
Speaker A:Remember when we were in Virginia and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, and this.
Speaker A:And we went and we walked to the.
Speaker A:To the 711 or the circle K or whatever.
Speaker A:And I'm like, no, don't.
Speaker A:Don't recall that.
Speaker A:Don't ever.
Speaker A:Sheila's like, well, that's because you weren't there.
Speaker A:Well, no kidding.
Speaker A:Thanks.
Speaker A:You know, I mean, I.
Speaker A:I forgot I wasn't there, but that's how, you know, sometimes it feels being a step parent.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker A:In your own house, right?
Speaker B:Yeah, I got similar things.
Speaker B:I mean, you.
Speaker B:You and Caleb and Kyle were talking about things that happen here and there, and.
Speaker B:Oh, man.
Speaker B:Laughing here and all that was crazy.
Speaker B:And, you know, just different things, like.
Speaker B:Like the baseball games, wrestling.
Speaker B:Exactly.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:So.
Speaker B:But beginning of.
Speaker B:Of any new relationship, a marriage, but it really is to be expected.
Speaker B:It's a matter of, okay, now how do we integrate with each other?
Speaker A:Yeah, but I think what happens with blended families, like we've talked about already, is that our blended couples, like, you're coupling with somebody who has had a life before this life.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:And they didn't just have a life with their.
Speaker A:With their primary family, with their parents and their siblings and their aunts and uncles and grandparents.
Speaker A:They have had children and extended family from previous partners.
Speaker A:And so I think it's understandable when you're getting into a.
Speaker A:An original family, you expect that you don't know things about this person and how they grew up and that's part of the journey is learning about their childhood and understanding where they came from.
Speaker A:But when you're starting a relationship in, in a blended family, as a blended couple, you have that foundation or that view is greatly expanded because I mean, you're not talking about, well, this is these two parents that I came from and these were my three siblings and da da, da, da, da.
Speaker A:Now you've got a hundred people that have been in this person's life in their immediate life influencing them and still influencing them.
Speaker A:And not only that, some of those people, like in an original family, the expectation doesn't always work, but in expectation is that you leave your parents behind and you start making your own decisions as a couple.
Speaker A:Right?
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:In a blended family, you have another adult who has decision making authority over your daily choices.
Speaker A:So your kid's parent that the other parent has direct influence and say over what happens in your day to day.
Speaker A:Yeah, it's so much fun.
Speaker B:Oh yeah, that's, that's a blast.
Speaker B:And, and sometimes, well, most times on what we've experienced is that it turns into the financial side of things, how it affects us financially.
Speaker B:And you were like, okay, so you know, when is she going to pay this or when is he going to pay that?
Speaker B:And you know, we would, we would really like to have some help here.
Speaker B:What's going on.
Speaker B:We don't have any control over that.
Speaker B:So we have to do what's best for the kids and dig in and shrug our shoulders and gnash our teeth and growl and realize that it is not your fault and it's not my fault.
Speaker B:It just happens to be the situation and we are the ones that are being responsible and taking care of things for the kids.
Speaker B:And later we can go after the, the ex or the, you know, the parent and talk to them or try talking to them or, or whatever we need to do.
Speaker B:But in the moment, if they're not participating, they're not participating and there's nothing we can do about it.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:We still have to go on.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:So I think, you know, the, the part about this is that you get into the relationship, you're there, you're committed to the relationship, you show up, you're there, you try to love this, the kids, but then they're resistant at the beginning to you being involved and then later down the road, they're resistant like you're bringing up here in different ways, right?
Speaker A:They're resistant in different ways.
Speaker A:So at the beginning, like I said, at the beginning of this episode, we were Talking about how you feel like you're at an arm's length and how it seems like at the beginning of the relationship, it's so much more direct.
Speaker A:Like, you can tell, okay, I'm not on the in group, I'm not, I'm not on the inside.
Speaker A:But later it's, you still have those dynamics going on.
Speaker A:They're just a little bit different.
Speaker A:So maybe let's talk about at the beginning.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:So for me, at the beginning, I remember thinking, okay, well, his kids have been through a lot.
Speaker A:They don't really know me.
Speaker A:I remember we went to the park, took all the kids and we met up for, had some fried chicken.
Speaker A:It was like a picnic in the park.
Speaker A:Remember that?
Speaker B:Yep.
Speaker A:First time I had met Shayla and Zach and Winnie were there.
Speaker A:And here, here we are, we're sitting down and Shayla's like, huh, hi.
Speaker A:And I'm like, hey, so how are you?
Speaker A:And you know, it went as well as expected.
Speaker A:And then we went for a walk.
Speaker A:And every time like you're, we're walking along, you're trying to hold my hand.
Speaker A:And every single time you try to hold my hand, Winnie will come back around.
Speaker A:So then Zach's kind of plugging along.
Speaker A:You know, Zach at that time was what, seven or so, and so he's like, do, do, do, do, do.
Speaker A:Doing the seven year old thing, just kind of all over the place, running around.
Speaker A:But Winnie was def.
Speaker A:Very beginning, always very protective.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:I remember, remember being at your house and I was just visiting one day and it was probably maybe two months or two or three months into our relationship.
Speaker A:I was just hanging out after school one day and I got there and she's there and she's like, I don't like you.
Speaker B:She's always been pretty forthright, very direct.
Speaker A:She is a very direct person.
Speaker A:And she's like, I don't like you.
Speaker A:And I'm like, that's okay, you don't have to like me.
Speaker A:We'll figure this out as we go.
Speaker A:Right?
Speaker A:Like me or don't like me.
Speaker A:But the reality of that, even though at the time I had to choose to adult and be like, I'm gonna say the right thing here.
Speaker A:What I felt like saying was like, well, like, you little witch, like, I don't even know you.
Speaker A:How do you, like, I want you here, you know what I mean?
Speaker A:Like, like, hey, could you have like, figured out how your dad could not have you so that we could have done this thing?
Speaker A:I mean, so those are the things, like, to be honest and Raw.
Speaker A:Those are the things that go through your head.
Speaker A:Of course I didn't say those things to her, but those are.
Speaker A:Those are the comments that you get.
Speaker A:And then you have this struggle between feeling like you want to adult.
Speaker A:You are obviously much older than these other human beings.
Speaker A:You're there to provide mentoring to them, yet you're being purposely excluded for a variety of reasons.
Speaker A:And they don't mean to be doing it, but they don't have any other way to express themselves, and they honestly don't really have any reason to do anything else.
Speaker A:You are a threat to their status quo.
Speaker B:Just like Kayla was practicing as an iron swing when I first came over.
Speaker A:Absolutely.
Speaker A:Absolutely.
Speaker A:So there's tons of moments where, you know, I felt.
Speaker A:I wondered if I was ever really gonna.
Speaker A:If we were ever really gonna feel like a unit, if we were ever gonna feel like a team.
Speaker A:I had to.
Speaker A:I had to go through a lot of emotional stuff.
Speaker A:Like I said, I tend to react to things, and then I will listen to my internal voices.
Speaker A:I might not express them.
Speaker A:That's at least what I've learned.
Speaker A:I'm not going to deny that I don't have those voices in there.
Speaker A:But it's important to talk about this because this is something that's super common with blended families and step families.
Speaker A:And you definitely not alone in going through it.
Speaker A:We have been there.
Speaker A:We still continue to be there, even now that we've been blending for, you know, four years now.
Speaker B:Four years, yeah.
Speaker A:Going on four years.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:So there's a way through.
Speaker B:So.
Speaker B:So now you and the kids, I feel, are pretty connected now.
Speaker B:They're especially with Winnie, and Winnie's more so than Zach.
Speaker B:So how did that happen?
Speaker B:I mean, I'm a lot more connected with Kaya, too, and Caleb.
Speaker B:So you want to give your perspective on how that happened for you or.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:The thing is, you're.
Speaker A:You're right.
Speaker A:Like I said, whether for better or for worse, I'm a very authentic person.
Speaker A:So lying for me is terrible.
Speaker A:I'm a terrible liar.
Speaker A:If I want to show somebody that I don't feel something, that I feel, it's not gonna happen.
Speaker A:Like, I'll be at work and we're in a meeting, and everybody in the room knows what I think about that exact thing, whether I want them to or not, because it just shows up on my face.
Speaker A:So I think that for me specifically, being a really dynamic and emotional person, caring, I care very much about my relationships, but I also care very much about being authentic and building authentic connection.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:So I'm not going to be like, oh, I just like you so much.
Speaker A:And, oh, isn't that so wonderful?
Speaker A:And, oh, my God.
Speaker A:Right?
Speaker A:Like, oh, yeah, let's go paint our toes together.
Speaker A:And I'm like, the last thing I freaking want to do is paint our toes together.
Speaker A:Like, I don't even want to be around you.
Speaker A:So, again, I'm not going to say that.
Speaker B:Well, you know, actually, to be fair, a couple times you did say that, but Winnie was being very obstinate, and she would say things like, well, I don't even want you around.
Speaker B:And you're like, well, I feel the same way sometimes.
Speaker B:Being honest without.
Speaker B:Without being degrading.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:So I guess, you know, I guess what I'm trying to say is I think part of.
Speaker A:Part of building connection is recognizing that it's hard.
Speaker B:Yes.
Speaker A:Recognizing that it's not normal to immediately feel connected to these kids or to your kids being with these kids, or to how the kids interact with each other or how they're parented or how they respond to things or any of those things.
Speaker A:Because this is a completely different team, a different country, a different culture that you are engaging in.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:And the same for your partner.
Speaker A:And if they have kids, they're kids.
Speaker A:Right?
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:Part of my issue with Kaia was she was just starting to get into the young lady stage, trying to fight, figuring out where she was.
Speaker B:And I had a little bit of experience with that with Shayla, but I never really had gone through the whole phase of it.
Speaker B:So I'm kind of sitting back, trying to see what's going on.
Speaker B:And then I think.
Speaker B:I think with me, the best thing that happened was she was struggling in school with math.
Speaker B:And I was like, I can help you with that.
Speaker B:And, you know, we kind of sat down and she was struggled with algebra and me being patient.
Speaker B:But that was one of the key things was having the patience, which not everybody does, but you need to incorporate it.
Speaker B:You need to build that patience.
Speaker B:But I was able to sit down and be like, okay, A plus B equals C, that is algebra in its simplest form, and just kind of broke it down and.
Speaker B:And she was able to actually understand it and start doing well with it.
Speaker B:I think that built trust with her that I wasn't going to freak out on her because she wasn't getting it, because that was one of her paradigms.
Speaker A:You know, looking at that and saying, okay, so really, like you just said, it's looking for those opportunities where backing way off of the.
Speaker A:I need to be your mom.
Speaker A:I don't think most blended parents or most step parents go into the relationship being like, oh, I'm going to be your mom.
Speaker A:Like, I've seen that before, unfortunately.
Speaker A:But I don't think most go in thinking that they're there to take over and start parenting this child.
Speaker A:But still, I think because you are in that role, you naturally have.
Speaker A:You feel, or I did feel the responsibility of providing the duties that go along with that role.
Speaker A:And so I think one of the things that helped was prioritizing the title.
Speaker A:I remember having conversations with both Zach and Winnie and also Shayla in different ways because there's such different age groups and just explaining, hey, I'm not your mom.
Speaker A:I'm never going to be your mom.
Speaker A:I cannot be your mom.
Speaker A:I can only be your stepmom.
Speaker A:I can only be this person in your life.
Speaker A:I can only be your dad's girlfriend.
Speaker A:I can only be Dawn.
Speaker A:And so.
Speaker A:And through that, looking for ways to build a relationship like you just explained.
Speaker A:Explain.
Speaker A:Looking for ways that come up in the natural course of the day or the course of life where you can fill a need without tying a title to it.
Speaker A:So you're.
Speaker A:You're like, hey, Kai is struggling with her homework.
Speaker A:And I'm like, because I terrible at it.
Speaker A:Just give it to me.
Speaker A:I'll do it.
Speaker A:And you're like, I got after you.
Speaker B:On that a couple of times.
Speaker A:Yeah, she needs to learn how to do it.
Speaker A:I'm like, well, it's way easier if I just do it.
Speaker A:I wouldn't do that, but that's how I feel.
Speaker A:But it's one of those things.
Speaker A:It's just like finding small ways to be present without forcing things, without trying to be like, well, you need to eat your vegetables because I said so.
Speaker A:It's more like, how can I create a role in this child's life that is not a parent?
Speaker A:I can be there and I can be a mentor and I can provide protection, and I can do all the things that an adult in a community would do.
Speaker A:And that connection can build over time as the kids come along, but you have to let it rest on the kids.
Speaker A:The kids are the ones that have to set that pace right now.
Speaker B:I will say that, yes, the kids need to set the pace as far as the connection goes.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker B:But there is a time where, as step parents, we do need to step into that authoritative role and be like, okay, enough is enough.
Speaker B:You know, yes, you need to go do this or you need to stop doing this.
Speaker B:I'm not saying all of the time.
Speaker B:There are times where as a stepparent, you need to reinforce the boundaries of the household that you, the spouses have set the husband and wife.
Speaker A:I think going back to where we were, right.
Speaker A:I think there's this thought that I had to be.
Speaker A:I'd be their mom.
Speaker A:And I still struggle with that sometimes, right?
Speaker A:I still struggle with how a feeling like I have to fill this role.
Speaker A:Right?
Speaker A:I mean, we just talked about that today.
Speaker A:We just talked about it today where I was like, I'm sick and tired of making food that the kids don't like.
Speaker A:Okay, well, that's a normal conversation in the course of a family.
Speaker A:That's a non blended family issue.
Speaker A:It's a whole family issue.
Speaker A:Like, kids don't like what I made.
Speaker A:Okay.
Speaker A:Kids don't like dinner.
Speaker A:You know, specifically Winnie is the one that we have here, right?
Speaker A:Time.
Speaker A:Most of the time when he doesn't want to make dinner, she'd rather eat junk food.
Speaker A:So I just quit.
Speaker A:I quit.
Speaker A:I'm not cooking anymore.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:Well, but so here's, here's one thing that I noticed is that like you said it, it's not just a step family thing.
Speaker B:It's.
Speaker B:It's a family issue that.
Speaker B:But kids don't like what the parents are fixing.
Speaker B:Like, for instance, when I, when we first started dating, Caleb hated chicken.
Speaker A:Yeah, I know.
Speaker A:Yeah, but he hated chicken because of me, right?
Speaker A:That's what you're saying.
Speaker A:You're like, yeah, I know he didn't like my white mom chicken.
Speaker A:He was like, you make white mom chicken, it's gross.
Speaker B:Right?
Speaker B:But you're like, I don't care.
Speaker B:This is what's for dinner.
Speaker B:Sometimes we forget that that response is just as applicable to the step kids as it is to the real kids.
Speaker B:And so who cares if my kids don't like what you're cooking?
Speaker B:This is what's for dinner.
Speaker B:This is what we're eating.
Speaker A:Right?
Speaker A:And I agree with you.
Speaker A:But there's all of that.
Speaker A:This is where it goes back to why a blended family is difficult.
Speaker A:Because you have all those undercurrents of like, wow, I'm really, you know, like, I feel this.
Speaker A:Well, I don't feel like that.
Speaker A:Well, then I don't.
Speaker A:You know what I mean?
Speaker A:Whereas if it's your kids, you're like, I don't care.
Speaker A:Eat or don't.
Speaker A:I just.
Speaker A:I mean, this is what we're having.
Speaker A:So have a piece of bread.
Speaker A:If it's your step kids, then all, like I said, all this stuff comes into it.
Speaker A:Like, I want to make them happy, and I have to try to please them.
Speaker A:And then I've got this whole jealousy thing, and I'm just gonna flat out say it.
Speaker A:I feel that in blended families, and maybe more so in some than others, the females, the mothers have issue.
Speaker A:I'm not saying that we couldn't get along.
Speaker A:I'm saying they're just by the function of being a female, biologically, you are, like we talked about, you are programmed to provide for.
Speaker A:Not provide for, but protect, nurture your children, your nest.
Speaker A:Now this woman's children are disrupting my nest.
Speaker A:And I've got it going all the way that I want it to be.
Speaker A:And this is how I feel.
Speaker A:Safe.
Speaker A:But by nature, when you're in a blended family, the children of another mother come into your nest, and then you wonder why you get all upset or all off kilter, right?
Speaker A:I'm not saying that it's okay to act on that behavior.
Speaker A:I'm just saying that it's normal to feel those underlying currents.
Speaker B:Absolutely, absolutely normal for the mansight.
Speaker B:Taking a look at it from two things.
Speaker B:One, from a father that's already got kids, and that for men, just don't look at it the same way that.
Speaker B:Well, I should say dads don't look at it the same way that moms do.
Speaker A:You say most dads, right?
Speaker A:We have to be politically correct.
Speaker B:Okay, yeah, most dads.
Speaker B:So what we wind up doing is we.
Speaker B:We're looking at you and going like, what's the big deal?
Speaker B:You know, okay, it's my kids and your kids and, you know, and it's not that big of a deal.
Speaker A:Well, they don't like dinner, right?
Speaker B:Yeah, so they don't like dinner.
Speaker B:So what?
Speaker B:They're like, no, no, no, no.
Speaker B:You don't understand.
Speaker B:This is my household.
Speaker B:This is my nest.
Speaker A:And we.
Speaker B:And we don't get that.
Speaker B:We don't look at it that way because our role as the dads is to empty the.
Speaker B:So like, get out, Fly, little birdie, go.
Speaker B:And so we start trying to nurture the kids to.
Speaker B:Okay, you can need to start learning how to take care of yourself.
Speaker B:You need to figure this out before you graduate.
Speaker B:Because when you graduate, typically you're on your own.
Speaker B:So I really think that dads have a pretty easy task that's not that much different between step kids and their kids.
Speaker B:I mean, in my opinion.
Speaker A:So you're saying, well, in a.
Speaker A:In a situation like that, in a community like that, say, tribal situation, the male has these separate households, and this still exists in some Communities.
Speaker A:So the male has the separate households of families and the man goes to the different households.
Speaker A:He is expected to provide for every one of the households, all of the children equally based on their status in the family.
Speaker A:And so you're saying the guy goes around and he's like, biologically what you're saying, if I understand right, is biologically it's easier for, for men to adapt to that situation than it is for the female to adapt to.
Speaker A:Now I'm raising somebody else's children part time, yet she's right over there.
Speaker A:Like she's gonna have a time off while I have her kids come into my nest, not follow my rules, not do things the way I want them done.
Speaker A:I have to enforce that and then feel like I'm being a bad person while she's over there having a vacation, which is not the case.
Speaker A:I mean, my kids have a stepmother too.
Speaker A:So I'm not saying that.
Speaker A:I'm just saying that that's the feelings that we have.
Speaker B:Absolutely.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:And, and now I will say that for a single man marrying into a blended family, that's quite a bit different because he's going from a single guy has only has to worry about himself.
Speaker B:He's like, hey, da da, da, da da.
Speaker B:Hey, party it up.
Speaker B:I'm going to sleep in when I'm going to do this, whatever, blah, blah, blah.
Speaker B:And he's like, oh, this is mom's boyfriend.
Speaker B:This is my girlfriend's kids.
Speaker B:And then that ring goes on and oh, bam.
Speaker B:All of a sudden he's a dad.
Speaker B:And he's expected to fill a dad role.
Speaker B:And he's still in the mindset of, wait a minute, I, I'm not a dad.
Speaker B:I'm still a single guy.
Speaker B:Oh, wait, no, I'm not a single guy.
Speaker B:But I just got married.
Speaker B:But I don't have, you know, I do have kids.
Speaker B:I'm like, so I mean, her don't.
Speaker A:Tie because she's really protective and she won't let any parents about these things.
Speaker A:Or there's one.
Speaker A:So it's like, I want to parent.
Speaker A:Like I'm, I'm fully invested in this, but she won't let me parent.
Speaker A:So getting back on track here.
Speaker A:So why still parents feel like outsiders and why, why does this happen?
Speaker A:So like we said, there's, there's loyalty binds.
Speaker A:So kids feel guilty.
Speaker A:There were times when Kaya felt, felt like that, right?
Speaker A:I mean, she felt like, okay, well if I build a relationship with Travis, then how is my dad going to feel about that?
Speaker A:How am I going to do that.
Speaker A:And I know because of complications between Winnie and her mom, that doesn't happen as much.
Speaker A:But there's definitely that situation there with Zach and his mom.
Speaker A:Right?
Speaker A:And it's the same.
Speaker A:They have the same mom.
Speaker A:I remember going through times where it was like, well, my mom does it this way and my mom does this and my mom does that.
Speaker A:And I.
Speaker A:I couldn't do whatever was.
Speaker A:I couldn't do it like she could.
Speaker A:I think that's because we have to, as the adults in the relationship, have to understand that the children, to them, it feels like if I love you, I don't have enough love for my mom or my dad.
Speaker A:So they don't understand that I can share the love kind of thing.
Speaker B:There's no limit to how much you can love somebody and you can love multiple people.
Speaker B:There's not a cap on how much you can love or anything like that.
Speaker A:But it's the parent's role, it's the adult's role to help the children learn that behavior, not accept, expect them to adapt to it, to help them walk through that.
Speaker A:As the coaches of the team, their role is to look at that and say, okay, it looks like maybe you're having a hard time because we're getting along well.
Speaker A:What does that mean for your relationship with your mom?
Speaker A:Sometimes, though, the kids will like you, but then they just are not very good at change.
Speaker A:Like, some kids are better at adapting to change than other kids.
Speaker A:I remember with Kaya, like, she's like, you just met him, like, yesterday.
Speaker A:Like, you're getting married.
Speaker A:You just met.
Speaker A:And I'm like, it's been like a year.
Speaker A:She's like, no, it's only been two weeks.
Speaker A:It's only been like, I deal with this.
Speaker A:And I.
Speaker A:And that, you know, is another time.
Speaker A:Like I just said, you know, we have to stop, which is really hard because we, you know, I had all these feelings for you.
Speaker A:I'm excited about being in a new relationship.
Speaker A:I'm excited about moving on.
Speaker A:And here my kids are like, oh, hell no.
Speaker A:I ain't going down that path.
Speaker B:My kids had similar thoughts, too.
Speaker B:So we had to slow down a minute.
Speaker B:What's going on?
Speaker B:Is this the right time to be doing this?
Speaker B:And we talked it over, and then we went and talked to the kids, okay, this is what the situation is.
Speaker B:I am not trying to take over your dad's position and you're not trying to take over their mom's position and.
Speaker B:And lay it out and ease those fears.
Speaker B:This is not us trying to take over.
Speaker B:It is about enhancing each other and providing more for the kids.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:Together.
Speaker A:Like being on the same page.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:I think one of the other things really, that was really difficult thinking on this topic is the differences in parenting styles.
Speaker A:And I think we'll get into that quite a bit more in other episodes.
Speaker A:But there's just.
Speaker A:There's huge amount of change in the household dynamics.
Speaker A:It's a whole different culture from one family to another.
Speaker A:And so it really takes an open mind to be able to step back and accept and examine different perspectives.
Speaker B:So the two families having two different parenting styles.
Speaker B:Like my family, the way that I parented with Zach and Winnie, and your family, the way that you parented with Kaya and Caleb.
Speaker B:And then.
Speaker B:So then we come together and it's.
Speaker B:And it's two different countries.
Speaker B:It's like Mexico and Canada.
Speaker B:And then.
Speaker B:And then we come together and we create a whole new one.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:Now that's America.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:And.
Speaker B:And.
Speaker B:And it's different than both.
Speaker B:And so the.
Speaker B:The parents need to adapt to that also.
Speaker B:I had to learn how to set boundaries with my kids.
Speaker B:I kind of went into that on the first episode about being a Disney dad, but I.
Speaker B:I was not good at having boundaries with the kids.
Speaker B:And.
Speaker B:And you were very good at having boundaries.
Speaker B:And so you had to learn how to relax a little bit.
Speaker B:I had to learn how to strengthen a lot.
Speaker B:So that just.
Speaker B:We created a whole new thing.
Speaker A:That's a really good point.
Speaker A:It's a really good point.
Speaker A:That's why it's blended by design.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:Because we're looking at this and we're saying, okay, it's not just blending where you throw two different things in the blender and mix it up and.
Speaker A:And it's, you know, a mishmash.
Speaker A:It.
Speaker A:It's actually taking a look at what is here and what is here and how can we fit these things together?
Speaker A:So it really is about blending together by design, by looking at.
Speaker A:By taking a step back and saying, okay, where are we coming from and where are we going?
Speaker A:What are we creating that's new?
Speaker A:And so this isn't something that you can just go into and demand.
Speaker A:You have to create space for this to grow.
Speaker A:Blended families don't happen overnight.
Speaker A:It takes time.
Speaker A:But sometimes it feels like you're just going through the motions, like you're just putting in the effort.
Speaker A:Putting in the effort, Putting in the effort.
Speaker A:You know, we're four years down the road now, and I still struggle sometimes with the way that the kids behave and how they Interact with the way that they expect things to should be at the house.
Speaker B:I have my own struggles with the way that Caleb, I mean, he's out of the house now, but Kaya, she's getting ready to graduate.
Speaker B:I've got my own struggles with how things are progressing with her.
Speaker B:And we talk about that and talk about both and we both get frustrated with each other and.
Speaker B:But we don't.
Speaker B:We don't fight about it.
Speaker B:We share our.
Speaker B:We share our feelings and share our frustrations with each other and we don't take it as attacks most of the time.
Speaker B:There's sometimes that I feel attacked, but I let you know if I feel attacked and you do the same thing.
Speaker B:So, yeah, feeling like an outsider, you feel helpless.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:And it's like, it's so much easier to see things from an outside perspective.
Speaker B:I can see this happening and this is what I'm trying to help, but I can't.
Speaker A:Yes.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:And I think what you're bringing forward is a really important strength of blended families, and that is that there is an outside perspective.
Speaker A:So blended families have the opportunity to be very healthy because they bring to the relationship an outside perspective.
Speaker A:So if you can work consistently and slowly over time and be transparent and build trust as a couple, as a coaching team for the family, then you can build off of those strengths.
Speaker A:For instance, we can leave it with this.
Speaker A:Maybe the conversation that we had right before we got on was we've limited Kaya's spending money because she's going to be 18 and she needs to get a job.
Speaker A:Okay.
Speaker A:So now she needs to start buying her own things.
Speaker A:And it's been that way for a while.
Speaker A:We can get into the details of that in another podcast.
Speaker A:But the essential thing was I left feeling like, oh, well, so Winnie gets to have whatever amount of money in allowance, but Kaia's not allowed to have anything.
Speaker A:And so I bring this to you.
Speaker A:We're having this conversation because what had happened was Kaia said, hey, I need some clothes.
Speaker A:And I'm like, okay, well, you know, her dad bought her some clothes and we need to buy her some clothes for here.
Speaker A:And so the way I brought that to you was Kaia's bought some clothes, her dad's bought her some clothes, and so she needs some clothes for here.
Speaker A:And she has presented that she doesn't feel like she should need to bring the clothes back and forth.
Speaker A:And I said, and I agree with her, so I think we should spend some money on clothes.
Speaker A:But the whole point in me bringing that to you Was.
Speaker A:And I think this is the important part, is to understand that we have our emotions to deal with.
Speaker A:So I'm bringing that to you from that perspective of a biological mother saying, okay, this is my child and my nest.
Speaker A:Okay?
Speaker A:My child needs clothing.
Speaker A:And I don't really care what you say about anything else.
Speaker A:I will get her clothes.
Speaker A:Clothing.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:And it's not even that you're against doing that.
Speaker A:It's just the perspective of looking at it and being like, oh, don't you even say anything.
Speaker A:While at the same time, we also provide for Winnie.
Speaker A:We also provide for Winnie.
Speaker A:We provide.
Speaker A:We provide equally for the children.
Speaker A:But it's that.
Speaker A:It's that consistency in those conversations and then you coming into the conversation and saying, okay, well, that's not what I'm trying to.
Speaker A:That's not what I'm trying to make you feel like at all.
Speaker A:My perspective is.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:My perspective is that I'm trying to figure out how to get Kaya to understand how to take care of herself and take responsibility for herself, and so to limit the amount of money that we give her and make her as uncomfortable as possible without being detrimental to get her to go out and get a job.
Speaker B:Because right now she's very comfortable where she's at, and she doesn't want to get a job because, like you said, she's very uncomfortable with change.
Speaker B:And getting a job is change.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:And she can't get a job right now that affords to buy her Olaplex shampoo and Lulu leggings.
Speaker B:Exactly.
Speaker B:And that was actually the thing that I was wondering is like, okay, so when you say, well, what is it that she wanting?
Speaker B:And first thing that went into my head was, well, Kaia's kind of expensive.
Speaker B:She likes her clothes and she likes the Lululemons.
Speaker B:And you're like, okay, well, she needs about four or five pairs of leggings.
Speaker B:I'm like, okay, number signs going up there.
Speaker B:And I'm like, so how much are we looking at?
Speaker B:And you get me a number that's way lower.
Speaker B:I'm like, oh, okay, yeah, we can do that.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:Again, it's just, I think, bringing it back around to.
Speaker A:It's the con, it's the conversations, and just knowing that some days.
Speaker A:Some days feel like you're making progress, and then some days feel like I need a freaking foundation.
Speaker A:It doesn't.
Speaker A:That doesn't mean that your blended family is failing.
Speaker A:It means that.
Speaker A:It means that you're blending.
Speaker A:It means you're doing life together.
Speaker A:It means you're doing it.
Speaker A:You're doing the thing.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:You're fighting the good fight.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:Because original families have those same feelings, just not as pronounced, I think.
Speaker A:Yeah, yeah.
Speaker B:How many times when you were married with the kids's dad, how many times did you.
Speaker B:Were you like, I need a break.
Speaker A:Yeah, you're right.
Speaker A:You're right.
Speaker A:I think, you know, and then when you're.
Speaker A:When you're looking at it, though, in the step parent role in a blended family, you're like, oh, it's freaking.
Speaker A:Definitely because of this whole.
Speaker A:Because him and his kids, I gotta bail.
Speaker A:You know what I mean?
Speaker A:Like, I am getting the Hey, h e double hockey sticks out.
Speaker A:But that's where those conversations come in to really talk about, okay, what's going on, how are you feeling?
Speaker A:What's really happening?
Speaker A:Where might this be coming from?
Speaker A:How can we address it?
Speaker A:And really, all those moments are what make up blending.
Speaker B:Yeah, absolutely.
Speaker A:So, you know, if you don't feel like an outsider right now, you will.
Speaker B:You sure will.
Speaker B:You will.
Speaker B:And if you, if you're struggling with feeling like an outsider all the time, well, kind of been.
Speaker B:There's hope and there's things.
Speaker A:There's.
Speaker A:There's hope, there's.
Speaker A:There's things you can do.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:Like, we went through the things you can do.
Speaker A:I think really, it's just hang in there.
Speaker B:A lot of grace, taking it one.
Speaker A:Day at a time.
Speaker A:A lot of grace, taking it one day at a time.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:So over time, walls do come down and trust builds and you do get to that place of real connection.
Speaker A:It's always interrupted with life because that's life.
Speaker A:But, you know, that's.
Speaker A:It does.
Speaker A:It shifts over time and you do become more glued.
Speaker A:You definitely build.
Speaker A:You build that team that you build your own culture, you build your own country, like you said.
Speaker B:What's been the hardest part of feeling like an outsider for your family?
Speaker B:Let us know.
Speaker B:We'd like to hear from you.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:So here we have the Blended family resource Guide, which is a guide that has seven steps in it on strategies for building connection.
Speaker A:There are things that we've actually done in our own family to work together on trying to build connection.
Speaker A:So that's available on our website@blendedpathways.com also we have a small but growing Facebook community group for blended by Design podcast and for our community for blended pathways.
Speaker A:So you can hop on over to our website and that link is there.
Speaker A:We'll also go ahead and put it onto the show notes, so you have that as well.
Speaker A:And we'll talk to you next time?
Speaker A:I think so.
Speaker A:Peace out.
Speaker B:Peace out.
Speaker B:Bye.
Speaker A:Hey.
Speaker A:Bye.
