Blending Isn't Always Beautiful: Real Talk on Navigating Family Dynamics
Blending families presents a formidable set of challenges that can be daunting to navigate. In our discussion, we share candid reflections on our personal journeys, underscoring that we have traversed similar difficulties in our quest to foster a harmonious family environment. Our podcast serves as a conduit through which we extend our support to others who are striving to cultivate familial unity amidst the complexities of merging lives. We emphasize the significance of establishing a family dynamic rooted in connection rather than conflict, and aspire to create a sanctuary that offers solace rather than strife. Ultimately, our dialogue aims to illuminate pathways for listeners as they endeavor to forge their own cohesive family structures amidst the inherent turbulence of blending households.
Takeaways:
- Love alone isn’t enough: Building a blended family takes intention and patience.
- Why it’s important to focus on connection over conflict.
- How to handle the complex relationships and dynamics unique to blended families.
Let's Connect:
- Download our free Blended Family Resource Guide
- Join us in the Blended by Design Facebook Group
Transcript
Blending families is hard to not.
Speaker B:We've walked this road, definitely. We've walked this road and faced the same challenges, and we're still walking this road and learning what truly works.
This podcast is our way of walking alongside others and sharing our journey with you and helping you to build a family that you know is possible. Family that's built on connection instead of conflict, and a home that feels like a retreat from the world instead of another battleground.
When you and I got married, we knew the blending our families wasn't going to be easy. Yeah, I mean. I mean, I was like, oh, we're so in love. It'll be great, but.
And we're like, we know there's going to be challenges, and that's one of the reasons that we did, you know, premarital counseling right away. Like, Right. As soon as we got engaged, we were like, okay, what are we missing before then? Actually, it was before then.
It was before then, but we didn't have. I did not have any clue how hard it was actually going to be.
Speaker A:I had an idea, but only because I'd done it before.
Speaker B:Right. You were raised in a blended family, and I was not.
Speaker A:Right. And so having, you know, going through it twice before, I mean, I had been married, had two kids, got divorced, then got remarried.
And at the beginning, that was. It was good for my second marriage. At the beginning, it was pretty good because it was just my kids, so it was my kids. Now she's stepmom.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker A:And then a few years later, we had kids together.
Speaker B:You and Sonya.
Speaker A:Yep. Me and Sonia. And then it was, you know, my kids and her kids.
And then it's, you know, our kids became her kids, and my kids became my kids, and it was a dynamic that she wasn't prepared with to.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker A:Deal with.
Speaker B:Right, right. And you had grown up with that. Right, right. Because your dad and mom split when you were young.
Speaker A:Yep.
Speaker B:And your dad got remarried, and you spent half of your childhood with your dad and stepmom.
Speaker A:Right, Exactly.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker A:And at the same time, just about the time we started living with my dad and stepmom is when my. My little sister was born there. So their. Yeah, yeah. My dad and stepmoms child. So we had half sister.
Me and my brother had half sister there, and we had some other half siblings with my mom. But with. With our dad, it was. It was quite a bit different because it was similar to how things worked out, except that Cindy, my stepmom, was more.
I think. I think it was because we were there full time. And so she was able to adjust quite a bit easier.
Speaker B:So a whole different ball game, I think. Not that it's not complicated, obviously.
Any type of blending of families, I think is hard because like we've said, blended families are born out of trauma. They're born out of brokenness, they're born out of pain. They're born out of something not working out.
Speaker A:Loss, Grief.
Speaker B:Right. And grief. Right. I mean, that's the whole premise, the foundation that you're building on.
Of course you can go through and you can work on those things before you get into a blended marriage or a blended family.
But no matter whether you work on them or not, there's still going to be things that come up that you're in the midst of doing life and all of a sudden there's this rubble that you, like, didn't clean up. So you're like, well, holy crap, now what do I do? Right now I'm stressed. Now I'm really angry. And it's just because this is not.
It's not a fresh, clean start like it is when it's an original family.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker B:It's just not the same thing.
Speaker A:It's not even close. Yeah. That's one of those things, too, that I found is talking with blended families.
And then also just my own experience is it feels like they're starting over.
Speaker B:It's a new start.
Speaker A:Like it's a new starts, a brand new world. And. And it's not.
Speaker B:No.
Speaker A:It's what a lot of blended families don't realize is that you still have the ex family that you have to deal with.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker A:Whether you like it or not.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker A:Because they're still the grandparents, they're still the aunts and uncles. They're still the, you know, mom or dad to your kids. So depending on how all of that goes, it is in your best interest.
It is in the kids best interest, everyone's best interest. That you figure out how to work together to make it as smooth and seamless as possible.
But the new person coming in doesn't realize how much extra was going to be added in.
Speaker B:Right. Right. I mean, I had an idea. Right. You know, we met online. Yeah. Which a lot of people do these days.
And, you know, specifically when I was dating, I was looking for men that had their own house, their own, you know, their own finances, all the things they had, their life together, didn't need me to be part of their life, that it could be more of a partnership. You know, I never, like we said when. When we met. Right. I.
I Was just getting back into dating after a 20 year marriage and then a five year stint of a midlife crisis where I dated a man who lived in his car for five years. Yeah, yeah, that's a whole other episode.
In any case, what I'm trying to get to here is that we, you know, I had no intention of getting into a relationship. I was dating so that I could see what kind of people I wanted to have in my life. Because I got married so young the first time. Right.
And was Married for, for 20 years. Got married at 20, married for 20 years, had no other experience.
And so then we go, we go out and I don't know whether it's because I had been so intentional about what it was that I was looking for. Right? So having grown up, had a 20 year long marriage, understood, you know, what it is that I needed and didn't, didn't want.
I know that I need a partner. I know that I want somebody that, you know, has their own life.
Then I was super intentional when I started dating, knowing, okay, I'm dating with the idea of looking for what it is out there that I can live with. Like, what is a good partner. Right, right. And so dated a couple guys online, and then you show up and I was like, wow, you know, tell my mom.
I'm like, well, he's kind of, that's kind of cute. We had a great first date, except for the part where you kissed me because I was supposed to be. I.
My whole deal was I'm having guys on, I'm gonna meet men, they're gonna stay on the porch. They're not, I'm not, They're not coming in. They're not nothing. We're not doing that.
And so then, you know, at the end of the date, we talk for four hours or whatever, and then you walk me to my car and you give me this little kiss and I'm like, oh, my God, I'm not that kind of woman. Holy heck, don't ever talk to me again. And then, you know, don't even know.
Speaker A:Where that came from. Give me another chance, please.
Speaker B:Like, well, I don't know. Okay, I'll do it. I'll do a second date, right? So then we have, we have our second date. What are we doing our second date now? I forgot.
Oh, that's right. So we went. So you, what were you.
Speaker A:Wait, wait, wait, hold on. What were you expecting on the second date? And I said, hey, let's do a picnic.
Speaker B:Picnic. And I'm like, okay, well, the best I can hope for here is the guy shows up with some sandwiches on white bread and some pop in a backpack.
And you know, we like sit down and on our towels because we were gonna go to the lake, right? And we're gonna talk and, and eat and it'll be fun. And we had also set up for going kayaking, right? So we rented kayaks.
And so I was like, well, that'll be, it'll be fun, you know, it'll be okay. And then that's not at all what happened.
Speaker A:I actually enjoy picnics. And I learned this throughout my life is crackers, cheese, fruit, wine.
So, yeah, I stopped and I picked up a variety of cheeses and some meats and crackers. And I show up and you're like.
Speaker B:Oh, wow, that's impressive. I'm like, well, wow, we got like a whole charcuterie going on here. Needless to say, I was highly impressed. I was like, points for me, right?
And then I'm wait, you're not supposed to be making points because right now I'm just supposed to be meeting people, right, that are on the porch. We're not supposed to be like, I'm not supposed to like you. Oh, I mean, like, you is okay, but I'm not supposed to be like, wow, that's.
I'm impressed. I mean, this for real, right? And then I'm like, then we get, we go kayaking, right? And we're like, my God, this is really fun. Like, this is fun.
We're splashing each other, messing around and playing around, right? And. And so we finished that date and I'm like, oh, I. I kind of like this guy. I kind of like him on my porch. I kind of, I'm kind of.
I'm kind of digging this. This is kind of fun, right? And so. And then we had our third date. We're gonna go country swing dancing.
And then I was like, well, I haven't gone in a long time, but I'm just going to the lessons. But I don't have any boots. So I.
So then throughout the course of that week or found out what size shoes I wore, and then you had these boots delivered to my door from Amazon before our dates. And I'm like, oh my God, stop it right now. This is not supposed to work. So then we went out and then. And what were you thinking?
I guess those are your thoughts between.
Speaker A:Then or just in general about the.
Speaker B:You know, how we met?
Speaker A:I had just gotten out of a two year relationship, so I was not looking for anyone either.
I was Looking for someone to go out and hang out with and have fun with, you know, do the, the dancing and kayaking and just experience life with and that, you know, we started chatting and, you know, online. I was like, oh, yeah, this pretty cool, you know, get along with her, you know. So, yeah, we so did that then.
First date, like you said, four hours and we just put it all on tape. I mean, everything. We didn't hold back, we didn't hide anything.
You knew I had some issues with my ex and I knew you had some, some things going on too. And so after that night, I could not get you out of my mind. I mean, I literally. You are on my brain all day long.
And so I really saw someone and felt that there was somebody there that I could connect with, that I was really connecting with, you know, and I was perfectly happy to sit on the porch until, until you're ready to let me in.
Speaker B:But we were also very intentional. Or I will, I'll speak from my perspective. Right.
Having been through the experiences I had with relationships in my life, I was extremely intentional about what it is that I was doing and where I wanted to go. Right. Like, I knew, I knew that I did not want to. I didn't want to be single. I didn't want to go through the rest of my life single.
I'm not built to be single, built to be in a relationship. So I had a whole list of, you know, pages in my journal of exactly what it was that I was looking for and was not looking for.
I mean, down to like, he has, you know, a great relationship with his parents, he has a great relationship with his children. If he has them, he has all, all of his, you know, shit or whatever is together. Right?
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:Right. Knowing, of course, that nobody's perfect. So if I'm going to do this, it's going to be the next time I do this. It's, it's a done deal.
It's for real, it's for done. I'm going, I'm looking at this as a partnership. I was approaching it more from a perspective of maybe more like an arranged marriage.
I was very intentional about what it was that I was willing to get myself into.
Speaker A:And I didn't have a written list, but I was also very intentional because like I said, I had just gone through a two year relationship and had my kids invested and I wasn't going to do that again.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker A:So I was like, let's, let's really take this slow and be intentional and figure out what it is and Then, you know, four months later, we're engaged.
Speaker B:We're engaged. But. But I think that it's worthwhile to point out that even though we were engaged, we still had slept together.
Speaker A:Right. Exactly. On purpose.
Speaker B:So there. That. That was another intentional part of.
Speaker A:Yes.
Speaker B:Of the relationship from the beginning was we want to get to know each other as people and as potential partners, not have it mixed up with the physical.
Speaker A:We knew from experience that if we were going to be sleeping with each other, then the emotional side is really going to take over with everything, muddle it up and muddle it all up. So we really wanted to learn who we were before we brought that in. Doing that really helped cement our connectedness.
Speaker B:It did. And not only. I mean, it did, but regardless. Right.
Regardless of all the preparation that we did, all of the counseling that we did, all of the conversations that we had, all of the intentionality that we brought to the relationship, knowing that we had children involved in this whole thing, bringing the kids together. And, you know, it was still, like I said at the beginning of the episode, it was still way more challenging.
Speaker A:Absolutely.
Speaker B:Than I had thought it would be. Even though we were taking it step by step and being very thoughtful about how we were going to do this.
How are we going to introduce the kids to each other? How are we going to this. Should we. Should we. Should we combine households? Should we not combine households? Should we. You know what I mean?
How should we do this? Make it best for everyone involved?
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker B:And it was still. Even with all that preparation and planning a cluster at times, to be honest.
Speaker A:Yeah. Yeah, it really was because. Because we had external forces that were affecting us.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker A:Your. Your ex and my ex and my kids and your kids and family. Family and. Yeah, all that.
Speaker B:I mean, the kids, like we said. Right. So coming to a family you're coming to. The reason the blended family exists, like we said, is because something else broke. So you're.
Like I said, you're building on a foundation of rubble. Even if you've cleaned it up, swept it out, made a new spot, it's still cracked. It's still cracked. It's still a crack in the foundation.
And I think that that's a huge part that's missed when people get into relationships that result in blended families is that they don't understand. They're not expecting that there's a huge rift that runs through the middle of their foundation that isn't there in an original family.
And you still come from your family of origin, and you've got trauma, and you have all this stuff, but it's not the same.
No, it's not the same because you have children that you love, that you are there to nurture and care for and raise, and they are hurting as a result of you forming a new.
Speaker A:Relation, even though you are doing it with the best intentions and with love and caring. And that is another. That, you know, kind of moving into another spot.
Here is where a lot of blended families get into trouble is because of how they see their kids. They put their kids first instead of the relationship.
Speaker B:Well, doesn't that seem natural, though, in an original family, you are a couple, and then you have children, so you naturally, naturally put the relationship first. If you didn't, you wouldn't have any children. Right.
Speaker A:But that relationship breaks now. You just have the kids, so the kids are your primary focus.
But when you get married again, or even in a relationship, relationship, people tend to not reorient their focus to the relationship. They keep it on the kids.
And that causes a lot more issue because the new partner starts feeling resentful because the kids are getting more attention than they are. Then the kids start learning that they can play them off of each other.
Speaker B:And, you know, I think one of the things to point out is that for couples that are blending, it's not that loving each other is not the issue. Right? Yeah. I mean, there was times we had conversations, and I'm like, I love you.
I love you, and I want to be with you, but I don't know if this is the right choice for my children. Right, Right. And so it's a.
It's a roller coaster, and just going through all of those unspoken expectations that you have and the trauma that you've experienced. And then, not to mention parenting styles, you have completely different value systems.
And not only are you bringing your own parenting style, but to the new relationship, you're bringing the experience that your children has with their other parents and the way that you two parented together. Now you're expecting yourself and your new partner and your children to adapt to a completely new way of parenting. Right.
And the kids are like, I never asked for any of this crap.
I think, again, to go back to what we were talking about, the focus, because I guess I wanted to point out you're saying that a mistake that blended couples make is. Is making the kids the focus rather than relationship. But I want to point out that there's a nuance there. You have to make the kids.
You have to acknowledge where the children are coming from.
Speaker A:Absolutely.
Speaker B:So what do you. So can you explain a little bit more like, well, and I guess the.
Speaker A:Best way is you had mentioned parenting styles coming together. Okay, well, I did not have primary custody of my kids. I had them every other weekend.
And so I became what I used to think was a derogatory term, but now I've kind of capitalized on it, called Disney dad and meaning that every weekend when I had the kids, I tried to format my values and everything, but I was more concerned about creating a good experience with them and having fun with them and letting them enjoy the time with me and connection. And so I didn't do as good of discipline as I probably should have.
Putting the relationship first, like you would with an original family, meaning that husband and wife are taking care of each other and then they take care of the kids. So in a blended family, the husband and wife still need to focus on each other and they still need to take care of the kids.
They need to take care of the kids. Not just my kids and your kids, but our kids.
Speaker B:Well, it's. It's really more about a team concept, right? So you have.
In a blended family, you're building a team of people that are coming to the team that have had past experiences instead of a team being created. So you have to approach it in that, okay, if we're going to make this work, the parents have to be on the same side.
They have to be the coaches of the team. They have to be able to provide. Provide the structure for the team, values for the team in order for everyone in the team to thrive.
And that's where I think people get. They don't, I think, and even us, right?
Like I said, like, we were blindsided as to how difficult it would be to create a solid foundation that is the best for all involved.
Speaker A:One of the biggest reasons that we were blindsided is because something happened that we weren't expecting to happen. Custody of my daughter.
Speaker B:Right. And that, I mean, and then that just added a whole layer to it. But even before we got custody of winning, there were discipline struggles.
There were loyalty binds. My children were like, oh, you're moving way too fast. I can't believe you're gonna try to get in another relationship with this person.
You don't know anything about him. You know what I mean?
Speaker A:I remember the first time that I came over and hung out at the house for a little while. Caleb. Caleb was there with him practicing his nine iron swing out in the backyard.
Speaker B:Like, yeah, he was whacking that ball. Like, hey, why don't you come bring your Head out here and let's see. Let's see how this goes. Don't you dare hurt my mom.
Speaker A:So, you know, which I actually really appreciated. Yes, I. I understood what he was saying without saying it, but I. And I also 100 respected that too.
Speaker B:Yeah. And he, you know, that's.
That's the approach, I think, that we, as blended parents, blended families, blended couples, that's the approach that has to be taken. I understand where you are coming from, and I accept your struggles with each and every member of the family. You have to lay the foundation.
Speaker A:Even then, there's still struggles.
Speaker B:So there's always things, right? It's life. We're living life together. So there's always things that are coming and going. You can never plan for everything. Right.
So I think utilizing wisdom and patience and having a strategy behind what it is that you're doing, how do you build this team together, is really what makes the difference in whether the blended family can survive or not. It's about having that strategy, and that is the key.
Speaker A:Having a strategy, having a plan, sitting down and. And communicating. Okay, what are your expectations for me? What are my expectations for you?
What are our expectations for the relationship and for the kids?
Speaker B:And one of the things, I think at the beginning of the relationship when we were doing some of our premarital coaching, was looking at it and saying, this is not just about me and you. Like, this is about adding 45 communication channels to what it is that we're doing. Right. Because now there's a relationship between me and you.
There's a relationship between me and my existing children. There's a relationship between me and each one of your children. There's a relationship between each of your children and my children.
There's a relationship between you and all that. So you have hugely compounded the. The noise level.
Speaker A:Not only that, you got to take out the external noises, too, because you say the relationships of my kids with their mom or kids with their dad, how we relate to those external factors, and the noise level becomes really, really loud. So sometimes you need to. Some earmuffs and focus.
Speaker B:Yes. Quite often that's part of the strategy. Right. Is focusing.
You know, I think at the beginning of our relationship, or at least for me, I had no idea that it was going to be as hard as. As it has been. It's challenging. It's complex. It's way more complex than I thought that it was going to be.
But we both had gone through enough in our lives to be on the same page, which is one of the reasons that we built a relationship so quickly was because we both knew this is the kind of life we want to live.
We want to be able to have a home where there's constant conflict, where it's a safe haven from the world, that we have shared values, and we're going in the same direction, and we're here to make a difference. Right? And so I think we knew that, and then we have had to, from that time forward, walk that out and find what it is that actually creates that.
How do we get from here to there?
Speaker A:Sometimes we have to go back and kind of retrace ourselves.
Speaker B:We wanted a family where the kids felt secure, where parenting style was together, where we were on the same page, where our marriage was strong and we were happy. Right. Like, because that's. That's what everybody, I think, who gets remarried wants. And that's why we started Blended by Design.
Speaker A:We want to help people get through some things that we've gone through or even by the things that we've gone through, help people navigate other things.
Speaker B:You know, I. There's so much information online that you can find about how to do this, the five steps to whatever.
But I think one of the reasons why, or what is missing or what had been missing that we've been trying to cultivate is the community of people who are going through these struggles and identifying with and providing empathy and hope and togetherness for this huge group of people, us included, that are navigating this complexity. But we still are trying to do the best we can, right? So it's kind of gone from, okay. Back in the day, divorce was taboo.
You know, oh, my dad or mom wasn't here, whatever. And it was kind of something that you just didn't really talk about. But we've gotten to the point now where it's reality.
Speaker A:It's a norm.
Speaker B:It is the norm. And so we want to be able. I think I want to be able to have real stories and real solutions and real conversation about these subjects.
People, especially, I think, in the faith community, in the church community, we have yet to move from an understanding that, okay, well, crapola that didn't work out. Now I'm divorced, right? So now what?
So now the things that are being put out there in the faith community, they're still focused on what no longer exists, right?
Speaker A:And not just that, but they feel all that shame. The Bible says the only reason that you get divorced is da, da, da, da. And it's like, okay, well, that didn't happen here. Now what?
Now I'M an awful person right now.
Speaker B:What?
So, but in the church, like you're saying, in the church, we people as a, as you know, their own issues, have a tendency to try to not deal with reality. It's because of shame. Right?
So then rather than addressing the fact that we have grace for when we screw up and moving forward and saying, okay, well, that didn't work out, how do I deal with what's happening now? Instead, we just ignore that. Like that, that, well, these divorces aren't happening. Well, why are they happening?
Well, they happen because people are people. That's why they happen. There's lots of reasons why they happen. They happen because of our society, happen because we're selfish.
They happen because we don't know what the hell we're doing and we don't have any parenting. But I think what we want to do, if I'm saying it right, is we want to be able to say, okay, it happened. Here we are.
Speaker A:Now what?
Speaker B:Now what now?
How do we live a life together as a team that's a life of purpose and love and connection, despite the mess that happened and that I played a part in and you played a part in, and.
Speaker A:Absolutely.
Speaker B:What do we do now? How do we move forward? How do we live life?
Well, so this is really just about having honest conversations and talking about strategies that work from experience and not from, you know, theory from the university of wherever it is, or from church, and just coming up with stories from other blended families who have been in the same place we've been in the same place that you guys have been in. So whether you're struggling with step parenting or ex spouse drama or just trying to build trust, we want to cover that all on the podcast.
Speaker A:So reach out and we'd love to hear from you.
Speaker B:Yeah, we'd love to hear from you. So we started a Facebook community. There's not many people in there yet, but we hope to grow it. Right. That's part of the deal.
Let's put ourselves out there. Okay. We have like 10 people in there, and they're all friends.
Speaker A:11, 11, 11 now.
Speaker B:11. So, you know, come join our community. We really want to be able to facilitate a place where people feel safe and heard and to be able to.
To gain the wisdom from real work.
Speaker A:And. And we are not perfect. We're going to make mistakes. We have made mistakes. We'll make more, but we learn from them.
Yeah, you can't learn without making mistakes.
Speaker B:And if we can help each other learn through mistakes, through kindness and acceptance and Grace, accepting that we make mistakes. That's what human beings do.
And then helping each other, encouraging each other, motivating each other to redefine the purpose that was lost, maybe through a divorce. Lending a family is super challenging and.
Speaker A:Difficult, but very worth it.
Speaker B:Very worth it. Very worth it.
Speaker A:Don't forget to download your blended family resource guide.
Speaker B:That's right. Put that together.
So that's a strategy for the beginning of the seven things that we went through, where we really found the core issues, I guess, where to talk about the expectations.
Speaker A:And you get that when you join the Facebook group.
Speaker B:You get that when you join the Facebook group. Or you can go to offers.blendedpathways.com and the forms right there. And you can get that in your inbox.
And obviously, this is our podcast we're starting out. This is awesome. We would love you guys to be part of our community as we're growing. We're new at this, so totally expect us to fail.
I was gonna use a different F word.
Speaker A:Not. Not fail. Make mistakes.
Speaker B:I was gonna use a different F word. Yeah, you totally expect us to fail. And. But we are authentic, transparent people that truly want to share.
Speaker A:Absolutely.
Speaker B:So, hey, if you're into it, cool.
Speaker A:Look forward to hearing from you.
Speaker B:Yeah, reach out. We're here. We're real people.
Speaker A:All right.
Speaker B:Okay, sign off, guys. Bye, Sa.
