Setting Boundaries with an Ex: How to Keep the Peace in Your Blended Family
Have you ever felt like no matter how clear you make your boundaries, your ex just won’t respect them?
Co-parenting in a blended family can be tough—especially when an ex constantly oversteps, ignores agreements, or stirs up conflict. In this episode of Blended by Design, Daun and Travis Hall dive deep into the challenges of setting and enforcing boundaries with an ex while protecting the peace in your home.
Through personal stories and hard-learned lessons, they share what’s worked (and what hasn’t) in their own blended family journey. From the emotional toll of constant boundary violations to practical ways to hold your ground, this episode is packed with real-life insights and actionable strategies for navigating co-parenting challenges.
In This Episode, You’ll Learn:
- Why Boundaries Feel Impossible in Blended Families – The emotional, legal, and relational reasons that make co-parenting boundaries so tough to maintain.
- How to Enforce Boundaries When Your Ex Won’t Cooperate – What to do when agreements aren’t honored, and how to respond with strength and clarity.
- Recognizing When to Hold Firm and When to Let Go – Not every battle is worth fighting. Learn how to choose what’s truly important.
- Supporting Your Spouse Through Co-Parenting Conflicts – How to be a strong team when an ex is making things difficult.
- Practical Tools for Managing Toxic Communication – Text, email, and third-party apps that can help reduce conflict and create accountability.
Real-Life Stories:
- Travis’s Experience: The constant pushback from his ex, how he handled it, and what finally worked to regain peace in his home.
- Daun’s Perspective: Why boundaries worked differently in her co-parenting relationship and the surprising lessons she’s learned from both sides of the experience.
- The Emotional Toll of Boundary Violations: From feeling powerless to reclaiming control—how enforcing limits changed the dynamic in their blended family.
Key Takeaways:
- Boundaries Are for You, Not for Them – You can’t control how an ex behaves, but you can control how you respond.
- Legal Agreements Only Work If You Enforce Them – When to document, when to escalate, and when to let go.
- Not Every Battle Is Worth Fighting – Learn to identify what truly matters and what’s just noise.
- Protecting Your Home’s Peace Is the Priority – Strategies for keeping stress out of your household, no matter how much an ex tries to pull you into conflict.
Links and Resources Mentioned:
- Blended Family Resource Guide: Download our free guide for more practical tips on building stronger connections in your blended family.
- Join the Conversation: Share your story and connect with other stepparents in our “Blended by Design” Facebook Group.
If you enjoyed this episode, please take a moment to rate and review the podcast. Your feedback helps us reach more blended families who need support and encouragement. And don't forget to subscribe so you never miss an episode!
Transcript
Okay, well, today we are talking about.
Speaker A:We're in episode three.
Speaker A:Yay.
Speaker A:So setting boundaries with an X.
Speaker A:The right way to keep the peace.
Speaker A:Is there a right way to keep the peace?
Speaker A:I don't know.
Speaker A:Sometimes you don't really have a choice.
Speaker A:You can do your best.
Speaker A:You can only maintain the peace in your own circle.
Speaker A:But that's what we're going to talk about.
Speaker A:So what do you do when your ex keeps crossing boundaries?
Speaker A:When every call or text or drop off feels like an invitation to chaos in your new home or in your blended family?
Speaker A:So for me, it felt like no matter how clear we were specifically with Travis's ex partner, boundaries were just not.
Speaker A:They.
Speaker A:They just were not something that we could align.
Speaker A:Even though they were communicated and they were put in writing.
Speaker A:They were even agreed to every attempt that we did or you did before I met you, to set a limit with your previous wife, the children of your mother, leading us to almost having to do something like a.
Speaker A:There's actual applications that you can use for documenting conversations back and forth.
Speaker A:So we've got text and email.
Speaker A:That's where all communication must happen.
Speaker A:Just because the toxicity in the relationship is just not worth dealing with or bringing it in, allowing it in.
Speaker B:I guess even though it was a little much.
Speaker A:It was a little.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:Donna and I have been through this.
Speaker B:But, you know, we've also learned that even if they don't respect your boundaries, we can still have peace in our homes as long as we set healthy limits.
Speaker B:And that's what we're going to be talking about today.
Speaker B:So stick with us as we unpack why boundaries feel impossible in blended families, how to know when to hold firm or when to let go, and practical ways to support yourselves through it all.
Speaker A:Through it all.
Speaker A:Through it all.
Speaker A:Okay, so let's get into it.
Speaker A:Let's talk about this.
Speaker A:So I think, you know, establishing boundaries with my children's father has been.
Speaker A:There's been issues back and forth relatively more at the beginning of when he and I split, but by the time you and I got together with the kids, my ex husband and I had been split up for six years, seven years almost.
Speaker A:You know, so there had been quite a time in between there where him and I had already worked out our issues, thankfully worked out our boundaries.
Speaker A:And so, you know, that has resulted.
Speaker A:I'm very thankful in my situation with an ex partner who is willing to still parent cooperatively to put the best interest of the kids up front.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:But that's definitely not always the case.
Speaker B:No, no, that's not always the case and that happens to bring my case.
Speaker B:It feels like, okay, I'm going to give some credit to her.
Speaker B:She is doing what she feels is the best.
Speaker B:At least that's what I believe for the kids.
Speaker B:Now the issue that I see is that she's not willing to listen to anybody else.
Speaker B:So it's only her way or the highway.
Speaker B:And I mean, you know, one of the times that I talking about is when I caught Zach with some inappropriate material on his phone and I tried to talk with her about that and address my concerns and instead of coming in and, and communicating with me and trying to figure out how we can limit that and, and work together, she accused me of having all of that just basically all throughout my home.
Speaker B:And like she's never even been in my house.
Speaker B:It's just, it's really frustrating.
Speaker A:Yeah, it is.
Speaker A:I think, you know, along with that, I think given the recent circumstances that have come up that I think, you know, we can talk about that a little bit because that's just a whole nother aspect that being that one of our Travis's children, Winnie, has been recently diagnosed as autistic on the higher side, but definitely still affected.
Speaker A:And so I think that has kind of given a perspective to this that we may not have considered before.
Speaker A:I think really in light of that, it's even more important to talk about what the boundaries look like because you can say that you have a relationship and your relationship is toxic, but there are a plethora of reasons why, why the relationship is toxic.
Speaker A:What are the actual issues around why the relationship has or cannot keep any boundaries.
Speaker A:Obviously you guys are divorced or when you are getting divorced, one of the reasons that that happens is because you don't have good boundaries.
Speaker B:Exactly.
Speaker A:Like, oh, we get along great.
Speaker A:Let's divorce, it's going to cost.
Speaker B:Yeah, yeah, let's, let's, let's just go ahead and split up the kids and do everything.
Speaker B:Yeah, we're getting along great.
Speaker B:So let's just, let's ruin everything.
Speaker A:Right?
Speaker A:So yeah, even in best case scenario.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:So like I had shared my ex, Jim has been able and I have been able to repair our relationship to the point where it's functioning for the children.
Speaker A:I mean, almost to the point where it's been like we just were not, we're just not a good fit.
Speaker A:We got married really young, I mean, got married at 20 years old.
Speaker A:We were married for 20 years.
Speaker A:Long time.
Speaker A:We're really good friends.
Speaker A:But just as we grew up, we kind of grew apart.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:That situation is what you hope for.
Speaker A:You hope for being able to get to a point where you and your ex partner, your children's parent can have a reasonable relationship, to be able to work on behalf of the kids.
Speaker B:And even when you do have that, there's still times where boundaries are pushed.
Speaker A:All right, what are you saying?
Speaker A:I thought.
Speaker A:I thought I had figured out my entire relationship with Jim.
Speaker A:So what are you talking about there, Travis?
Speaker B:What issues?
Speaker B:I feel sometimes that we.
Speaker B:We get a little encroached upon, especially when it comes to finances, because he feels like, well, he's.
Speaker B:He pays child support so he doesn't have to do anything else.
Speaker B:And me being on the.
Speaker B:That same side for a number of years, I'm like, oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Speaker B:You get to play too.
Speaker A:Right, right, right.
Speaker A:And there's always, you know, issues.
Speaker A:Like we said, there's a reason you're not still married.
Speaker A:You know what I mean?
Speaker A:Like, there's a reasons that you're not still together and how we got here.
Speaker A:And so, you know, that can range, like we just said, all the way from, okay, something happened.
Speaker A:You're just not compatible to this person, is full on diagnosed or undiagnosed as a narcissist or some other sort of DSM 5, you know, thing, some diagnosis or not diagnosis.
Speaker A:The result is there's a huge spectrum of Nice work in reasons that you have boundary issues with X.
Speaker A:Yep.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:In relation to kids.
Speaker B:So some of the reasons for that, though.
Speaker B:What.
Speaker B:What?
Speaker B:So I can.
Speaker B:I can talk about my own.
Speaker B:Okay.
Speaker B:Why I allowed some boundaries to slip, especially when it comes to dealing with the kids.
Speaker B:My.
Speaker B:My biggest one was my guilt and not.
Speaker B:Not being there for the kids.
Speaker B:So I got turned into a Disney dad thanks to the courts.
Speaker B:And so I was only seeing the kids like every other weekend.
Speaker B:And so I wanted to make sure that when they came to me, I wanted to make sure that they were happy, they had a good time, there was nothing going on.
Speaker B:So.
Speaker B:So I relaxed a lot of the boundaries when it comes to discipline with the kids.
Speaker B:And that may have actually had some kind of an impact when they went back home.
Speaker A:I'm sure it did, but I didn't care.
Speaker B:I was having fun.
Speaker A:Exactly.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:And so then, you know, you again, that's.
Speaker A:That's an example, I think, on the.
Speaker A:On your side, even being self aware and looking back on that and saying, okay, am I really placing the kids at the center of what's going on?
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:It's so important to ensure that it's really about what's best for the kids.
Speaker A:Is it best for the kids to be here?
Speaker A:Is it best for them to be there?
Speaker A:Do we both need to be at this event or not be at the event?
Speaker A:Or how does that look, how does that affect our children?
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:For example.
Speaker A:Okay, well, we don't, at our, at our house, we don't allow you, the children to just have food all day long.
Speaker A:There are things they can have for snacks.
Speaker A:They can always have fruit and vegetables.
Speaker A:They, I mean, that's free, totally free.
Speaker A:But when it comes to top ramen or pizza pockets or soda, there's limitations.
Speaker A:And you have to be like, hey, is it okay if I have da da da da da.
Speaker A:Yeah, okay, it is.
Speaker A:But that's not the case.
Speaker A:Always at another parents at the other.
Speaker A:The other parents house.
Speaker A:The co parent house.
Speaker B:Exactly.
Speaker B:And again, coming back to Zach and Winnie, their, their mother still to this day believes that they are.
Speaker B:The dairy affects them in a negative way.
Speaker B:And.
Speaker A:Well, no, I venture to say that she would say that they're allergic.
Speaker B:Yeah, well, she started out, started out saying that they were allergic and then lactose intolerant and then it's anything but.
Speaker B:See, I've got them all tested and everything.
Speaker B:And so I just finally said, yep, you know what?
Speaker B:You, if you don't want to feed them dairy at your house, that is your prerogative.
Speaker B:Stay out of my house.
Speaker B:Because I have gotten the test and I know without a doubt that dairy does not affect them in a negative way.
Speaker B:So.
Speaker B:And, and then I put that boundary up and now regardless of what she says or anything, I'm like, yep, okay, well, I've already got the doctor's notes, so here.
Speaker A:You know, I think another thing that makes it difficult in blended, especially if we're going to keep it to setting boundaries with an ex.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:Is there's unresolved emotions.
Speaker A:I mean, we do our best if, if we're doing our best.
Speaker A:We have ended the previous marriage.
Speaker A:We've taken the time to reset to think about, okay, what did I do in the relationship?
Speaker A:What part was mine to own?
Speaker A:What part was theirs to own?
Speaker A:How did we get here?
Speaker A:What do I want to do going forward?
Speaker A:Um, but you can't account for everything.
Speaker A:And so as you move into the future with your new partner in a blended family, there's things that come up that are still unresolved triggers or emotions that have that affect you from your, your past relationship.
Speaker A:Especially when it involves your children.
Speaker B:Especially when it involves your children.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker B:You've got a couple of those.
Speaker A:I do.
Speaker A:I have a few triggers.
Speaker A:No.
Speaker A:So, you know, I think boundaries are just a complicated issue anyway.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:It takes a time to figure out what your boundaries are going to be.
Speaker A:Then it takes time and intention to enforce your boundaries.
Speaker A:And then when you get into a blended family, you're talking about having boundaries with people you never even imagined you'd need to have boundaries with, but you're doing it.
Speaker A:I'm going to write down or I'm going to think about how in the future I'm going to have boundaries with my husband's ex wife.
Speaker A:Like, you don't think about those things.
Speaker B:No, you don't think about.
Speaker B:And the other thing, too is like, you've got all these boundaries set up, and then you get into another relationship, and now you got to set new boundaries or adjust your boundaries for them and for you.
Speaker B:Because like you said, it's.
Speaker B:It's all different.
Speaker B:So I had to set up some boundaries with your.
Speaker B:Your family, you know, with like your sister.
Speaker B:No.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:Your family.
Speaker A:Right, right.
Speaker B:And that's still kind of an ongoing thing, but, I mean, it's gotten better, but it's.
Speaker B:It's just one of those things.
Speaker B:And.
Speaker B:And you're like, wait, wait, we don't do that in my house.
Speaker B:I'm like, I don't do that at my house.
Speaker B:So.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:You have to come together as partners on your boundaries with your external family, which is a really important thing to bring up, because when we do our premarital work with couples that are coming in and families that are coming together to become a blended family, that's one of the things that we talk about.
Speaker B:Oh, yeah, right.
Speaker B:Absolutely.
Speaker A:Things that we talk about.
Speaker A:So just making sure that that's a foundational.
Speaker A:A foundational issue, and that's addressed anyways.
Speaker A:Moving on from there.
Speaker A:So when is it okay to hold the boundary versus when is it okay to let go?
Speaker A:And everybody had in the family has their own opinion of each spouse, each partner.
Speaker A:You have your opinion.
Speaker A:I have my opinion about when to hold firm and when to let go.
Speaker A:So how do you address that?
Speaker A:Because setting boundaries isn't about.
Speaker A:It's about creating safe space where the family can grow and thrive and building that.
Speaker A:Building that environment of growth.
Speaker A:So sometimes the only boundary that you can enforce is limiting your own engagement.
Speaker A:As far as saying, I am done with this situation, and maybe we could talk a little bit about what we just talked about.
Speaker B:You read my mind.
Speaker A:No way.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:I was just going to say it's like so last night we had an issue that came up with my daughter and things got a little bit heated.
Speaker B:And, you know, dawn is like, I am checking out of this right now.
Speaker B:I'm not going to deal with this because this is your issue.
Speaker B:Not on mine, but looking at Winnie and saying, this is your issue to figure out, and you need to learn how to do this.
Speaker B:And, and I, I agree 100%.
Speaker B:This is the.
Speaker B:The diagnosis of autism is very recent, but we've been talking about it for a little while and.
Speaker A:You mean in terms of Winnie?
Speaker B:Yes, yes.
Speaker A:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker A:We've.
Speaker A:We've known since you and I got together, it's been like, okay, so there was the suspicion that maybe that was a situation.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:So.
Speaker B:But I mean, it's going back to the boundaries you had set up.
Speaker B:The boundary of, I, I'm not gonna be disrespected, I'm not gonna deal with this, this kind of behavior in my house.
Speaker B:So you, you removed yourself from the situation.
Speaker B:And me being her dad, I took it upon myself to address the situation and set up other boundaries with her.
Speaker B:Like, okay, no, this is not appropriate.
Speaker B:You need to learn how to manage your emotions.
Speaker B:So let's go take a walk and let's have a little conversation about how we're going to do that.
Speaker A:So let's think.
Speaker A:I want to.
Speaker A:Let's think back a little bit about.
Speaker A:One of the things that happens that I tuned into right away is.
Speaker A:And again, the autistic diagnosis, I think, really has a lot to do with this in hindsight, is actually helpful because when I got together with you, the amount of toxic communication between you and Sonia was horrendous.
Speaker A:I mean, we're talking like 18, 20 emails, emails on one subject about who was gonna.
Speaker A:What time you were gonna do drop off.
Speaker A:It was ridiculous, right?
Speaker B:Yeah, I'd been doing that for a number of years, and it just actually wasn't until got married or got with you started relationship with you that it actually even dwindled.
Speaker B:I think you had a lot to do with that.
Speaker B:So thank you.
Speaker A:It's easier when, like, we already established it's easier to have boundaries when it's not your direct lawn that people are stepping on.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:So I remember I would read these emails and I'd be like, I cannot even believe that you let someone talk to you like that.
Speaker A:That was something that we really, that I was able, I think, like you said, to help you with in that being on the outside looking at the communication and saying, okay, let's separate the Emotion from the actual facts.
Speaker A:And so it was that time that you started responding to her only with facts.
Speaker A:That's not true because of this, or A plus B equals C or I am not going to allow you to speak to me in this way anymore.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker B:And to be fair, I mean, I had already set the boundaries of.
Speaker B:I mean, she was the one that was just sending all the emails and I was just like, I'm not even going to respond to this.
Speaker B:So.
Speaker B:But it did, you're right, it did get a little excessive.
Speaker B:And once I started responding with, nope, you know, that didn't happen, or you know that's not true, or this is how I'm doing this.
Speaker B:So you can either jump on board or swim.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:And also, you used more, more diplomatic language than she did.
Speaker B:Definitely.
Speaker A:Yes.
Speaker A:But I think that's a key.
Speaker A:So setting the parameters around the communication.
Speaker A:And you know, I think a lot of people, a lot of couples in these sorts of toxic relationships get it right to where, you know, they limit communication to only text or only email or anything that can be documented.
Speaker A:I think that's a good start.
Speaker A:But really, I think it's also more about approaching, approaching the communication simply as communication and separating yourself from the emotionality of it.
Speaker B:For toxic relationships, absolutely.
Speaker B:Now, for other community, like for instance, you and Jim, when he starts acting out a little bit, you're like, oh, Jim, shut up.
Speaker B:Just.
Speaker B:Just shut up and sit down, you know, and he's like, yes, yeah, that's right.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker B:And then you can talk with him about it.
Speaker A:Now, to be fair, I don't say those words precisely.
Speaker A:I mean, we were together for 20 years and we got married young, like I said.
Speaker B:So that's the communication.
Speaker A:But it's kind of like, it's like, okay, this is the situation and this is how it's going to happen.
Speaker A:On my side, you're free to do whatever it is that you'd like to do, but this is how I'm going to approach this situation.
Speaker A:But thankfully, in that, in that relationship, it doesn't come up very often.
Speaker B:Right?
Speaker B:Not very often at all.
Speaker A:Definitely not a toxic type.
Speaker A:I mean, it's annoying to deal with, but it's not.
Speaker A:But it's not.
Speaker A:It's not toxic.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:So I think, you know, separating that and, and being able to hold firm is really looking at those emails and texts like, like we said, as directly as communication, which means a lot of times taking a break.
Speaker A:I mean, I can even remember so many times that I'd be like, I can't I can't.
Speaker A:I can't read it.
Speaker A:So I had to, at that, have to be like, I'm checking out.
Speaker A:I am not.
Speaker A:This is not mentally or emotionally good for me because I'm now speaking, spending so much energy focused on what's going on in this relationship that I am not even a part of.
Speaker A:Right, right.
Speaker A:And then be like, whoa, come back.
Speaker A:Come back to center.
Speaker A:This is not your circle.
Speaker B:Right, right.
Speaker B:Exactly.
Speaker B:And.
Speaker B:And that's one of those things, too, that I had already pretty much established.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker B:I.
Speaker B:You've read some of the emails that I wrote, but I never sent.
Speaker A:Yes, many.
Speaker A:Many of those.
Speaker A:Many of those.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker B:So that's.
Speaker B:I would, like.
Speaker B:I would get an email, and it would trigger me out, and I would just blast.
Speaker B:Blast out a response right away.
Speaker B:And then I would sit on it.
Speaker B:I would let it sit overnight, and then I'd go back to it, and most of the time, I actually just deleted the whole thing.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker B:And rewrote it in a respectful and communicative manner, which still sometimes garnered horrible responses.
Speaker A:But sometimes, yes.
Speaker A:Not.
Speaker A:Okay.
Speaker A:It's been better.
Speaker A:So in any case, you know, I think that's a good point, too, is just taking that time, even if it's a couple days, to be like, okay, I need to detach myself from this.
Speaker A:And also knowing that part of the.
Speaker A:Part of the issue, part of the draw to toxic relationships is that the adrenaline is rush because it feels like everything has to be solved right now.
Speaker A:And that is not the case.
Speaker A:It does not have to be solved right now.
Speaker A:So your emotions get spun up, and then you're like, oh, my God.
Speaker A:And then it's just saying, no, this factually.
Speaker A:Is anything going to change in the next three hours if I don't respond?
Speaker A:No.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:And that's.
Speaker B:That's one thing I.
Speaker B:When I'm coaching couples, I tell them there are very few things that have to be decided right now, unless it's an emergency.
Speaker B:You can take your time and take a breath and sit back and just think about this, and, okay, this is how we need to respond.
Speaker A:Yeah, that's a really good point, Travis.
Speaker A:And I mean, I think we'll talk about that more in other episodes.
Speaker A:But I totally agree with you that that mindset of this is not all happening right now.
Speaker A:Like, this is the world is not ending this moment.
Speaker A:If I don't respond to this or if I put it on the shelf and I go forward.
Speaker A:As long as you don't leave it there.
Speaker B:Right, right.
Speaker A:Then it'll come back.
Speaker A:It'll fall off and explode.
Speaker A:It will.
Speaker A:It's not good.
Speaker A:So, so when is a, when is a time to let things go?
Speaker B:That's, that's a good question.
Speaker B:So.
Speaker B:Well, when it's a relatively minor thing.
Speaker B:Like, okay, I'm five minutes late dropping the kids off and she puts me on blast and I just, I just don't even respond.
Speaker B:I just, it's like, yeah, okay, five minutes, you know, traffic, rain, whatever.
Speaker B:If I'm going to be more than 10 minutes late at a drop off point, I will text her or let her know, hey, running late, da, da, da.
Speaker B:She hasn't even done that since I've stopped responding.
Speaker A:Absolutely.
Speaker A:That's part of the key, right?
Speaker A:Like what we just said.
Speaker A:It's like, okay, does this even worth a response or is it just going to result in a spin?
Speaker A:Been up.
Speaker A:You know what I mean?
Speaker A:So I think, you know, what you're saying is like, when it's, when it's not a big deal.
Speaker A:It.
Speaker A:Now the issue with that though, Travis, that it's a big deal to her that you're five minutes late.
Speaker A:So it's more than, I guess, about owning that.
Speaker A:Is that my issue?
Speaker A:Is that my issue to own?
Speaker A:No, it's hers.
Speaker A:Right, Exactly.
Speaker B:Exactly.
Speaker A:And I think something that helps me with that, not just in relationship, you know, co parenting, but in life, is looking at something and saying, okay, is this really going to matter in five years?
Speaker A:Like, five years from now, is this thing going to still eat me up?
Speaker A:Do you know what I mean?
Speaker A:Am I going to care that I didn't.
Speaker A:That whatever happened?
Speaker A:And so I think a good example in, in with my kids was being flexible around whose time it was.
Speaker A:And it goes back to keeping the kids at the center.
Speaker A:And again, as we've said, that's easier done with some past relationships than it is with others.
Speaker A:But if, if I can, if we can, if you can keep the children's best interest at heart, then it makes it easier to make those decisions.
Speaker A:So what I'm trying to get at is, okay, well, you know, Caleb has a baseball tournament, but it's my weekend or it's my week or whatever.
Speaker A:And baseball is something him and his dad have together.
Speaker A:It's something that they bond over.
Speaker A:So am I going to pitch a big fit that I can't have him on my time?
Speaker A:Am I going to be like, this is my time.
Speaker A:It says in the parenting plan, it's my time.
Speaker A:You know what I mean?
Speaker A:So, no, I'm going to be like, what's best For Caleb, like, I guess it's looking at me like, okay, how about the parents be parents.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:And the kids be kids.
Speaker A:And the kids be kids.
Speaker A:So let's not, as parents, act like children.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:Not force the kids to act like adults.
Speaker A:Right, exactly right.
Speaker A:Because that is not.
Speaker A:That's something.
Speaker A:That's an example of.
Speaker A:That's not Caleb's problem.
Speaker A:He didn't ask for me to.
Speaker A:Me and his dad to divorce.
Speaker A:He was not part of that equation.
Speaker A:He didn't say, hey, could you guys split up?
Speaker A:So this would be difficult for me and I can live in two separate houses.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:I mean, that's what all kids think.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:I mean, they just love to have the two separate houses.
Speaker A:Oh, yeah.
Speaker B:The separate rules and different.
Speaker B:Yeah, no, no, no.
Speaker A:So I think that's part of it, is, you know, when to let things go.
Speaker A:When it's really not about the.
Speaker A:When it's really not about the kids.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:So how do you.
Speaker B:How do you support spouses when we're struggling?
Speaker B:I can think.
Speaker B:Just going back with Caleb and baseball thing, if I remember correctly, one of his last games was, what, eight hours away?
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:And I think.
Speaker B:I think it was actually supposed to be your weekend.
Speaker B:We were talking about that and we're like, hey, let's go.
Speaker B:You know, so we.
Speaker B:We packed up and we drove and we supported Caleb.
Speaker A:Yes.
Speaker B:And we weren't worrying too much about whose time was whose or anything like that.
Speaker B:We were there for Caleb.
Speaker A:Yeah, absolutely.
Speaker A:And then that, I think, has also been a way.
Speaker A:I know we're talking about supporting our spouse.
Speaker A:I think one of the ways, at least that I found, and maybe this is just unique to me because my situation isn't toxic, is just keeping the conversation on the kids.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:When we went to that ball game, it was you and me and your kids and Kaia, and we all went over and I was like, yeah, look at.
Speaker A:He's doing this, he's doing that, he's doing awesome.
Speaker A:And it.
Speaker A:So it really then is a way to support and love the kids.
Speaker B:Exactly.
Speaker A:Fight the problems.
Speaker A:You just gotta check out the door.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:So I think.
Speaker B:I think supporting the spouse comes down to supporting the kids a lot of the time, but then there's times where things just get frustrating and you don't know how to move forward or how to.
Speaker B:How to do anything because.
Speaker B:Because the situation is so.
Speaker B:I.
Speaker A:Toxic.
Speaker A:Yes.
Speaker A:So we could talk.
Speaker A:I mean, so we have the flip side, right?
Speaker A:I'm like, oh, yeah, Everything with my ex is great.
Speaker A:I mean, it's not.
Speaker A:But you know what I mean, it's compared to mine.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:Compared to some relationships that are out there.
Speaker A:I, I am extremely blessed with my kids dad.
Speaker A:Okay.
Speaker A:He's very supportive of me and what I do and he's supportive of the kids.
Speaker A:And you know, there's minor issues in, in, in the big scheme.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:In the big scheme of things, there's always going to be little things, but.
Speaker A:Yeah, especially though, where you have, you do have relationships where there's all sorts of parental alienation going on, where there is talking behind your.
Speaker A:The parents back to the kids, using the kids as messengers, putting the kids in the middle, trying to get back at and saying this is.
Speaker A:You can't, you know, da, da, da, or whatever.
Speaker A:It has nothing to do with the children whatsoever.
Speaker A:Right, right.
Speaker A:And that had been.
Speaker A:Has been the situation.
Speaker B:Yes, yes.
Speaker B:It's been that situation for your kids.
Speaker A:Several times for Zach and Winnie's mom.
Speaker A:Yes, many, many, many, many, many times.
Speaker A:More times than I care to remember.
Speaker A:To the point where the authorities have been involved multiple times.
Speaker B:Yes.
Speaker B:And even then, just on a.
Speaker B:Well, for instance, when they had a school event like a Christmas pageant, and during the break or even beforehand and everything, they'd catch their eye and wave at them and they'd wave back.
Speaker B:And then afterwards I would go down and give them a hug and say, hey, good job.
Speaker B:And then I'd get an email saying that I was attempting to abduct them or run away with them from the thing and I shouldn't be distracting them during the performance.
Speaker B:And I mean, it was just so mind blowing.
Speaker A:It was, it was.
Speaker B:I just, I didn't even know how to.
Speaker B:Yeah, I was like, what are you talking about?
Speaker A:I know, I know, I know.
Speaker A:But as far as supporting you, I think, I mean, you do a great job of supporting, supporting me.
Speaker A:I mean, I married a therapist, so I got the good thing right.
Speaker A:Like, and I know you're not licensed therapist and we didn't go down that route.
Speaker B:No, no.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:But you are educated and certified, so you know what I mean?
Speaker A:Let's see here.
Speaker A:So I think as far as me supporting you, like we shared that I was able to help create separation between the communication emails and texts or emails mostly that were coming over and be like, okay, stop.
Speaker A:This isn't.
Speaker A:Is this, let's talk about this.
Speaker A:Travis.
Speaker A:Is this worth a response?
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:Is this worth getting into?
Speaker A:Is it a actual issue that has anything to do with the children whatsoever that you can do anything about?
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:You, you have helped me out Many times on that.
Speaker B:And you help me limit things down to, well, one word answers or just, you know, a couple words, you know that's not true.
Speaker B:And then that's the response.
Speaker A:I think another thing is saying, okay, how are you doing?
Speaker A:How are you feeling?
Speaker A:How after that interaction and after.
Speaker A:Or after the authorities have had to show up at the kids mom's house again and you have had to talk to them on the phone and you are not able to be there, Just that check in of like, okay, how are you doing?
Speaker A:Tell me, talk to me, Goose.
Speaker A:Tell me what's happening.
Speaker A:Right?
Speaker B:Debrief each other, you know, like, sit.
Speaker A:Down and we do that more male term for that.
Speaker A:Just, I'm just gonna say, I mean, debrief.
Speaker A:The women are like, you didn't cry it out.
Speaker A:Yes.
Speaker B:Yeah, exactly.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:But, yeah, we sit down and we.
Speaker B:We check in.
Speaker B:We are like, okay, are you.
Speaker B:Are you centered?
Speaker B:Are you ground grounded?
Speaker B:If you're not, what do we need to do to get you there?
Speaker B:You know?
Speaker B:And you did a wonderful job with that too.
Speaker B:Just keeping me grounded and bringing me back down.
Speaker B:Especially, I mean, there's.
Speaker B:There were times crying it out.
Speaker B:I cried, literally cried on your shoulder because I was so frustrated and upset with what was happening.
Speaker A:I think another thing that we used that was.
Speaker A:Has been really helpful for me especially, Especially when we have the kids.
Speaker A:This doesn't happen as much as it used to, but the kids were here and they would have.
Speaker A:The kids, they would have their mom on speakerphone.
Speaker A:Okay.
Speaker A:So now we're in the car and we're stuck in the car, all of us.
Speaker B:That was really stressful for you, wasn't it?
Speaker A:Very stressful for me.
Speaker A:Very stressful.
Speaker A:Because I.
Speaker A:I could not.
Speaker A:And we've talked about this, and it's probably not a good time to get into that either, but maybe remind me to go back around to the whole, you know, protecting the nest thing.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker A:But I'm trying to maintain community culture in.
Speaker A:In our blended family in the car along with you, right?
Speaker A:Where we have this going on and it.
Speaker A:And that specific thing where the toxicity and the manipulation with the kids is coming into the environment and it just shifts the whole energy.
Speaker A:I mean, it would.
Speaker A:It would be a mess even.
Speaker A:I mean, I didn't say a thing.
Speaker A:I kept very quiet and was supportive and was like, oh, it's great that you were talking to your mom.
Speaker A:That's awesome, right?
Speaker B:Yep.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker A:But inside, inside.
Speaker A:So I would be like, okay, you know, I think I remember we talked about it several times.
Speaker A:About no speakerphone.
Speaker A:Can't do the speakerphone.
Speaker A:And so.
Speaker A:But I think when we were first starting that one of the things I would do is just like.
Speaker A:Like, I put my finger up, or I'd be like, no.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:I didn't have to say a thing.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker A:Then you would know that was the signal for them to be like, hey, could you guys go ahead and turn off the speakerphone?
Speaker B:And.
Speaker B:Yep.
Speaker B:And that's.
Speaker B:That was one of the things.
Speaker B:So, like, in the, in the car, even, it was like, that was one of those boundaries.
Speaker B:Boundary that we set up is like, okay, if your mom calls you or you call your mom, that's fine, but don't keep.
Speaker B:Don't be it on the speaker.
Speaker B:You know, we don't need.
Speaker B:We don't need to hear everything that she has to say.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:That conversation with you guys is private.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:Like, I think that's how we.
Speaker A:How we put it.
Speaker A:We're like, that's a private conversation between you and your mom or you guys and your mom.
Speaker A:And so, you know, that's better for you to do on the phone, not on speaker.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:So I think the.
Speaker A:The key point here is that boundaries aren't just about keeping the negativity out.
Speaker A:They're more so about protecting the environment and space and the culture of your blended family home.
Speaker B:Absolutely.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:We got to protect.
Speaker B:Protect ourselves, protect that.
Speaker B:That.
Speaker B:That community that you're building.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:Because it's a whole different deal when you're building a blended family.
Speaker A:It has to be so much more int.
Speaker A:When you're looking at what you're going to let in and what you're not going to let in.
Speaker A:You know what I mean?
Speaker A:Because you have to foster.
Speaker A:You have to.
Speaker A:You want to foster, if you can, a good relationship between your kids and the other parent and their other parent.
Speaker A:Absolutely, absolutely.
Speaker B:And maybe, maybe I got my fingers crossed.
Speaker B:Maybe keeping these boundaries up will facilitate the kids having a good relationship with their mother.
Speaker B:I hope so.
Speaker B:I don't think I will ever have a good relationship with her, but that's her decision, not mine, so.
Speaker A:Right, right, right.
Speaker A:And.
Speaker A:And we acknowledge, obviously, that you and I are two opposite sides of the spectrum.
Speaker A:So we kind of have the full circle of, like, it can be great, it can be wonderful, and, oh, my God, run.
Speaker A:You know what I mean?
Speaker A:So I think, you know, that that's good to know that we have the full spectrum of.
Speaker A:What does it look like with boundaries?
Speaker B:Oh, absolutely.
Speaker A:So, you know, it's hard.
Speaker A:Boundaries are the suck sometimes, especially the having them is good.
Speaker A:Forcing them is not always fun.
Speaker A:It's definitely not with your kids, not with your ex, not with your partner, not with anyone.
Speaker A:Not with anyone, really.
Speaker B:So.
Speaker B:So, yeah, if you're.
Speaker B:You're struggling, set boundaries with an ex, you definitely not alone.
Speaker B:We all do it.
Speaker B:Don and I've been through it, and.
Speaker B:But we've come out stronger.
Speaker B:Boundaries just aren't about keeping things out.
Speaker B:They're about keeping family safe like we've gone over before.
Speaker B:Keep this family safe so they can thrive.
Speaker B:So that culture that you're building is.
Speaker B:Is healthy and.
Speaker B:And safe and for everyone.
Speaker B:For everyone.
Speaker A:Yep.
Speaker A:So, yeah, we would definitely love to hear from you.
Speaker A:What's the toughest boundary that you've had to set?
Speaker A:Share your story with us because we are all in this together.
Speaker A:The saga continues on our side, and.
Speaker A:And so does the, you know, the good parts.
Speaker A:It's all life.
Speaker B:Absolutely.
Speaker A:It's all life.
Speaker A:So.
Speaker A:So, yeah, we're all in this together.
Speaker A:So share.
Speaker A:Share.
Speaker A:Share your story with us.
Speaker A:And you can do that by doing what?
Speaker B:Well, you could download the blended family resource Guide at our website, which is blendedpathways.com.
Speaker B:you could go to our Facebook page, join our blended by design group, connect with other remarried couples, and, yeah, just reach out, send us an email.
Speaker A:Yep.
Speaker A:We are definitely trying to make this into a community.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:So community where we can share together.
Speaker A:Because there is no easy answer to blending families.
Speaker A:It's all in the doing, in the practice, over and over and over and over and over and over.
Speaker A:So.
Speaker A:All right, well, I think that's it, guys.
Speaker A:Appreciate it.
Speaker B:All right.
Speaker A:Yep.
Speaker B:All right.
Speaker B:Talk to you later.
